It's been a while since I've had moment to blog, but this subject is all to real for me to not blog about it.
Apparently, just from this blog community alone, there are a lot of women blessed to have a husband that is able to act as the sole provider. Some of those same husbands probably never saw it going any other way than how it is now.
Unfortunately though for some of us, that type of partner is just a mirage.
Now, don't get me wrong, my husband would love to be able to pay the majority of the bills. I'm finding that a lot of men really have a true fear of being the sole provider; what is that about?
Before, as some of you may read, I was planning to be nurse for part-time and my husband was fully on board with me homeschooling Paris and then going to work in the evening; I struck the perfect balance of housewife and working mother. Last night, upon leaving my class @ 8:30 p.m. and heading to grocery store to pick a few items out for dinner, I realized that my heart truly is at being home full-time. Let's face it, housework and homeschooling are two full-time jobs themselves. So I was talking to myself and I thought, if I can't stand to be away @ night for 2-2 1/2 hours, what will I do when I work a 8, 10, or 12 hour shift?
So, after some deep reflection in the parking lot, I entered the store to find our quick dinner solution. Oh, there's that feeling again! Why am I here @ 9:00 p.m. trying to find a quick dinner solution for my family? Who's really getting neglected in my pursuit of the "perfect balance"?
So, later that night I thought to bring up the subject with my husband. I was so excited to reveal my "a ha!" moment to him. Surprisingly, he was not in agreement with my theory. He felt as though I was just too inconsistent (which I can be sometimes) and that I was actually being selfish, because I know there's no way he can take care of all the bills himself. Wow!
Prior to my transformation in Christ, I was eager to get into school and accomplish my own personal goals, you know, the ones I set pre-marriage & baby? So, for the past year I have been trying to sort-of dilute my original dreams to seem more "well-rounded". Well, in trying to explain that to him I saw a huge line being drawn in between us. For the first time, I saw that my husband was scared and really was not sure if he was too confident in his ability to be the "man of the house"; He wasn't to sure if he could make my new dream life a reality.
The funny thing about this though is that I didn't know it was just my dream.
Praying for some wisdom....
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Wednesday, November 12, 2008
A Sobering Truth...
Pieced together by: Mama M at 7:28 AM
Labels: stay at home, working
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10 comments:
I could have written your post. As you know I am still working part time. I hate it, but at this moment we could not make it on DH income. Of course I did not come into a true understanding of what a home keeper really is until we had our son. Up until that point I thought I would be working and I would have found someone to keep him. Well once he was in our arms we knew that we would do whatever it took to keep him and any others that came along with us at home.
DH is on board with me being home full time one day. He is waiting for God to open doors for him to get a better paying job. While we are waiting I am trying to learn how to be frugal and live simply. We are also learning to be patient, the hardest thing for me. ;)
I do think a lot of men are afraid of being the sole provider. DH has voiced this concern to me, but he also knows how important it is for me to be home to really be able to focus on being a home keeper and homeschooler.
My advice for you is to pray first for yourself. I know you are wanting to do what God has called you to be a wife and mother. Make sure your heart is being selfless in your choice. Then start praying for your husband. Only God is going to be able to give him that revelation.
I will be praying for you and your family.
FreeMommie,
I came by to say thanks for "following" my blog, and to say I hope to see you post and take part in the discussions over at Armchair Housewife.
I got here and read this post and Sister, I *hear* your heart and please know that I am praying for you today. I don't have children yet (Lord willing someday) but I am in a similar place in this struggle between having a heart for home (which I do believe is the Bibically mandated priority for us as Christian women) and still feeling the "need" to be in the workplace.
And I am not the only one that feels it, my husband does too. Once upon a time it was just understood that a husband would be the provider and would do the majority of the out of home work (although women often provided income for their families with at-home work, ie Proverbs 31). But now, men are just as much a victim of our times as we women are, both in our thinking on gender roles and responsibilities, and in the simple reality of our economic times.
For me, when my heart was heavy to cut back my hours, I told myself it was ridiculous because what was the point? I didn't have children, I was just running from "real" work. But praise God He really transformed my thinking on that, as I prayed to him and poured out my heart about my struggles to try to keep our home a clean, welcoming, inviting place for both us and others, and trying to balance that with full time work and other ministry obligations. He showed me that we totally devalue the work at home that is so important and forgotten, and I felt that to cut back my hours was not only "OK", but the right thing to do.
But it wasn't so easy right away for my husband. He works very hard and we are not rich by any means (we still rent, only bought a car last year after five years of marriage, I have student loan debt) and mostly live paycheck to paycheck (although we did take a vacation this year). what I had to do, and this is just me, just my story, is to pray about it, and I actually wrote out a proposal to my husband about cutting back my hours. I wrote out why i thought it was important, what the benefits could be, and how I would be dedicated to making up for the loss of income by working to save money (eg not buying "quick" dinners at restaurants and stores late at night! I hear you on that one!).
He sat on that proposal for *weeks*. By God's grace alone I didn't say anything, I was DYING to ask him what he thought ,what he was thinking, and I figured it was "no", but I just waited. Finally he told me yes, and while I cold sense hesitation, he has been supportive of it ever since. He didn't say, "YES! Do it! I'm so excited!!" But he has never told me no, and I praise God.
It can be hard in the church (and in this blog world) to see women who seem to have it all together. who have the perfect home, the perfect husband, the perfect children, and not feel cheated, or less than. For me, it's not having children. I long to be a mom, but it hasn't happened yet and may not. Of course that is all a lie, no one is perfect and everyone has struggles, but it can be so hard when we are struggling with one thing in particular, and it seems that no one around it can relate, that their husbands don't have that hang up, or they don't struggle with what we struggle with, or their kids haven't been through that. It's so easy to compare and also to forget that others are going through things we can't imagine.
But for me, with my marriage, time and again I just have to come back to the Lord with it and give it over to Him anew. Men have such a huge responsibility on them in being leaders in the home, and because they live in a world (and even attend churches) where this role is not only not championed, but actually criticized and mocked, it is all that much harder for them to step into that role without fear and hesitation. I know it's easy for me to say this to you, but I tell you as a woman who has had (and still has) her own marital struggles, to PRAY for your husband. And for yourself. I know that whenever i have poured myself into praying for being a better wife, I have always seen fruit in my marriage, and if not a change in my husband at least a softening and a change in my heart about my hurts and disappointments.
And that last thing I will say in this ridiculously long comment, is that the Lord knows your heart, Sister, and He does care. And He cares very much about your marriage. And my prayer for you today is that you will find a rest and calm in this storm in TRUST in Him. That is the only place sometimes to get the refuge we need. I'll be following your journey as well and praying for you.
Thanks for being real.
Your sister in Christ,
Nicole
Thank you both for you encouraging comments. You're right Nicole, reading some of these blogs can really make you feel isolated in your struggles. I'm so thankful though, that there are bloggers who really wear their hearts on their sleeve too!
I forgot to mention this is the actual post, but when I presented the notion of me TRANSITIONING into become a full-time homeschooler/maker, my husband completely left out the transitioning part.
I'm a huge dreamer, but I know nothing happens over night. I'm still working on being more patient in some areas, but major changes in income I can understand will defintely be a long process. I think one of the problems my DH has with my proposal is that he doesn't believe I've seriously thought it out; He sees it as a fleeting thought.
So, Nicole I will definitely borrow your method of writing up the proposal, just so he can read on his own time what I think, and also see the amount of thought and process this has been for me.
Dani, I will also follow both your and Nicole's advice of praying. I've prayed a few time this morning, but I want to do some real serious praying for this situation.
Like you stated, I believe this is where God wants to lead us and he is probably trying to develop that technique in me about helping my hubby find his way by the quietness in my spirit and my obedience to lean to God for a way.
Again, thank you both for the sound advice and good luck in your journeys as well!
Ok, I don't know if this message got sent, but I wrote:
"Like you stated, I believe this is where God wants to lead us and he is probably trying to develop that technique in me about helping my hubby find his way by the quietness in my spirit and my obedience to lean to God for a way."
Sounds like God has given you some of the wisdom that you were praying for, as that was beautifully stated. I am praying for you today!
Freemommie, my favorite part of Titus 2:4, that oft quoted verse in christian blog land is this:
"Submit herself to her own husband."
For all our spouting off about wives belonging at home and such, te most important part is that you honor God by honoring YOUR husband. If he needs you to work for a while, do it with peace as you pray for God to open a door home if its His will.
That said, I do believe that whether you have to work outside the home or not, you should do all you can to be home focused when you are at home.
Stay encouraged, sis. I'll be praying for you.
I totally appauld you in your desire to say that being a wife and a mom is enough. I struggled with this for a long time. I was Miss Professional before I got married and had 2 children in a year, so I was always looking for more. For some crazy reason thinking that my role as a stay-at-home mom wasn't enough. I prayed about it and at the insistance of a close friend read a book entitled Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. This book changed my outlook on myself, my husband, and my worth. Please read it if you have not already. I like the idea of a transistion or even a proposal, but I think soon your husband see how much more simple and easy his life can be by having his beautiful wife at home. I'm praying for you!
Terry,
As always you give very sound advice. It is true what you said, and please believe that I know my situation differs from everyone and that I must have peace with that. My purpose for this blog was really just to know if anyone else ever struggled with this or experience this type of revelation with their own husbands.
Men deal with a lot of pressure and sometimes become highly insecure in their role. I believe the conversation we had that I shared on this post was just a reflection of his doubts. It made me feel bad really because it's my job to esteem him. So when he's feeling less than capable, I feel as though it's something I've lacked on my end.
Although God calls as to honor our own husbands, he also calls us to help and support him. I just feel as though his insecurity is now shining some light on what I need to step up in so that God can use me to help develop my husband into the confident and strong man that I know he is to be.
Nonetheless, I totally agree with where you're coming from and plan to fully support my husband no matter what. His lack of confidence however will not curb my desire to be a stay-at-home mom.
Until then...on to work!
Lakisa,
I'll definitely look into that book whenever I have a break from school! Being away from home so much is really breaking my spirit. I work full time and the day and attend classes full time in the evening and then try to crunch in some home time. I definitely need a new prespective on this thing. I am so ready to let this "career woman" go! Thanks for the encouragement sis and your kids are so beautiful!
God bless!
Freemommie, for the record, I am NOT saying that you should give up your dream to be a stay at home mom. Heaven forbid! I believe that you belong at home, that it best for your daughter, and that it is the Biblical ideal. After many years, my bro. has finally agreed that my SIL can stop working. She is so happy. However, I believe she could have come home MUCH sooner had she did a few things earlier on. For example:
1) Don't nag. Pray.
2) Change your spending habits as much as you possibly can. Try not to spend any surplus cash you may have after bills are paid. Save it. Better yet, use it to pay down debt if you have any.
3) If you are a clothes horse, change that pattern. Husbands make note of their wives money habits. If you're a spender now, he thinks you'll alwyas be that. But if he sees you spending less even while you're working, he'll see that this just may be possible after all.
4) This is may be hard, especailly if you're tired from working, but sharpen you homemaking skills even while you are a working wife. Learn to use a crock pot so that dinner can be done at the apprpriate time no matter how busy you are. Stay on top of the laundry. Little things like this make a huge difference.
Those are just a few things that spring to mind. Stay encouraged. This will happen if you just believe. God is faithful.
Terry,
In no way did I take that you were telling me to give up on staying at home. I agreed with what you said; I just wanted to note that regardless of what happens I will not get discouraged.
The new advice given was great! Although I definitely don't nag about it and I hardly ever spend any money outside the bills, I can work on making sure dinner is prepared and the house is kept tidy despite my busy schedule.
I'll let you know how that works!
God bless!
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